REPLACE GOP DEBATES WITH PUMPKIN CANNON CONTEST

Would you rather hose out your cat litter box than watch another “I’m dumber and more Stone Age than you are” GOP debate? You’re not alone. How about midget wrestling? Pumpkin cannon contests? Now you’re talking. Right wing change, like farts after a frijole eating contest, is in the wind.

Here we are, this morning in America, where it’s getting easier and easier to buy a gun than it is to vote. The mob is cheering to let uninsured sick people die but shouting support of the poor endangered, much maligned sea turtle — wait, no, I mean oil companies.

Have you noticed that whenever there’s a GOP debate, the TV ratings for shows like Swamp People, America’s Funniest Home Videos and Do-it-Yourself-Hemmorrhoid-Removal are in the single digits? Just last night outside a sports bar a mob of people watching mating dogs immediately disbanded as soon as the GOP debate began.

Down in Mississippi, the Personhood backers are unbowed after their gut-wrenching repudiation by their saner neighbors. The spokesperson for the group, who is actually a pool of unidentified semen and an egg of indeterminate species, backing an all-pet-rock slate of candidates for 2012. After this announcement, the group’s spokesperson, who contacted the media from a petri dish in an unspecified location, refused to answer questions.

Mitt Romney has not backed down on his “Corporations are people, my friend,” statements, either. While in a legal sense, the statement is more or less accurate in certain legal situations, the reaction has been widespread shock. It’s not what he said, exactly, but the way he said it, that made him seem like such a tone deaf doofus. Remember that geeky principal in high school, the one who told all the longhairs that they had to go get hair cuts before they could come back to school, that they’d only miss one class if they went immediately and got it done? And when one of them said, But it’s Monday, and the barbershops are closed, this jackass, instead of admitting he was wrong, called the barber at home and begged him to open his shop for a couple of hours? (Maybe you don’t remember, but this actually happened to me, in Johnson City, Texas 1972. In a strange bit of irony, the principal’s first name was Perry. But I digress.) Anyway, Mitt Romney is that kind of vapid, shapeless, air-headed candidate.

So anyway, if you’re a corporation, and you want to suppress the voting rights of poor Americans, Mitt feels your pain. Corporations need much less regulation. Poor people, women’s bodies, etc., those things need much more regulation.

This just in, Rick Perry says that when he’s elected president, he’ll disband Department of Commerce, Education and… and, uh, oh yeah, the Environmental Protection Agency. Certainly it would be weird if the Executive Dunce of Texas was a big backer of Education. He’d replace Commerce with a drive-in gun shop. Apparently his claim that the EPA is nothing but a job-killer is based on a peculiar mathematical equation. See, if the EPA did not regulate things like DDT, toxic waste, the draining of every estuarial body that nurtures aquatic life, and things like that, an X number (somewhere in the multiple millions) would die every year, some of them from horrid birth defects and diseases that blossom from chromosome damage and/or early exposure to poisons in the womb. So if you subtract all those dead people from the population, you somehow come out with more jobs for the mutants who survive. Plus some of those people, having extra digits, tails, two heads, etc., they could be extra productive on certain jobs. A little known fact is that Perry blames endangered brain eating cave fish for his recent poor debate performances.

Rumor has it that the GOP has considered alternatives to the debate format, since the candidates have only managed to illustrate their shortcomings while also revealing the Tea Party crowd to be somewhat Neanderthal (although the Neanderthal Defamation League has filed a libel suite over such claims). Possibly the next GOP debate will involve competitive events such as harvesting bull semen, administering an enema to an elephant and last but not least, midget wrestling.

An idea was floated about replacing the GOP debates with shooting midgets out of cannons, but when it was revealed that Herman Cain had made unwanted sexual advances to 4 out of 5 of the proposed cannon fodder the idea was dropped. (As we went to press, a new rumor came out about the pizza man. Apparently, before pushing 999 at every opportunity, it was just 69. But we digress.).

Now it looks like the GOP candidates will compete in the building of pumpkin launchers, which could be either any type of cannon, trebuchet, or giant sling shot. Perry’s idea of using hydrogen bombs packed in a toilet was nixed, however, as were several other ideas floated by New Gingrich, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum — ideas which we would rather not visualize here.

Perry followed up his most recent debate debacle by vowing that, once he becomes “Czar or King or whatever the heck it is,” he will disband those pesky agencies he mentioned, including the EPA, and will launch an energy policy of “Drill, baby, uh, uh, you know, you know, whatever…”

Leave a Reply